How to Hold a Boundary

You’ve already set a boundary. Now it’ time to hold it.

It doesn’t have to feel like this. Unless you want it to.

Little blond boy in red t-shirt flexing biceps.

It could feel like this. Like we are strong together. (Wouldn’t you love to be that strong? Maybe you already are…)

Two Black women in yellow tank tops and shorts doing a yoga pose that looks really hard.

Being able to make and keep agreements make us stronger, together. It takes practice but it really feels great when you know you can do it.

And, holding the boundary after you’ve set it is at least 50% of the work. In the hundreds of leaders I’ve coached, I’ve noticed the pattern: people rarely listen to new boundaries the first time. That doesn’t mean that they don’t care. You are asking them to change a habit – and we all know that’s tough. So here’s a three step process that my clients have found helpful.

(If you feel ready to hold the boundary firmly the first time, head straight to step 3. Some boundaries, especially around actions that are causing harm, don’t need this process. But if you are able or inclined to be more gradual, this three step process of holding the boundary is relational and also firm.)

The three steps are:

1. Set the boundary

2. Restate the boundary

3. Hold the boundary.

Small white dog with one black ear midair, all four paws and tail flying.

Step 1: Set the Boundary

You’ve already done your prep: You got clear about your boundary and you set the boundary. Again, if you haven’t done that, check out this post. You must set a clear boundary that is about a specific behavior before you hold it.  

For example, if you have an agreement that you get 24 hours’ notice in order to do something for a colleague, but they are used to asking at the last minute, that might look like this:

“Last minute requests for this service aren’t working. We have a policy of 24hrs notice if you need this service in the future.”  

 Step 2: Restate the Boundary

You already said the boundary in a clear way. It’s irritating but you do your best to be patient because you know that next time you’ll take action. Because this not persuasion, it’s a boundary, which means you won’t participate in/ allow that action anymore. So now you are restating the boundary and letting them know what action you will take next time.

“Remember last time I told you that_  your boundary here___? Next time _your action here.” 

That part- the action that you will take, should be something that is under your control and aligned with your values.  

For example: “Remember last time I told you that I need 24 hours’ notice? Next time I won’t be able to do this without 24 hours’ notice.”

Or: I reminded you once not to interrupt. Next time, I’ll ask you to take a break from the meeting.

Or:  I asked you not to use my prime account. Next time, I’ll ask you to move out/ I’ll start looking for other places to live.

 Seem extreme? What’s the alternative? Allowing boundaries and agreements to be ignored.  How’s that working out?

(I about jumped out of my skin when the moderators of the first Trump/Harris debate allowed his continuous interruptions. They should have kept talking until they could turn off his microphone, which they had the power to do. Literally: “Mr Trump, you do not have the floor. Mr. Trump, it’s time for you to stop speaking. Mr. Trump, we will turn off your microphone. Mr Trump, your microphone is now turned off and will remain so until you have the floor.” Like that.)

Now, sometimes it’s not safe or in your power to have a boundary. We are not blaming immigrant families who are detained by I.C.E. for not having a boundary. And…every single leader I’ve coached had more power to hold boundaries than they thought. The narrative that you aren’t allowed is constant because when we have boundaries together, we are dangerous.

Billboard that says “Billionaire Co-Founder of AirBNB Joe Gebbia has joined Elong Musk’s Doge team, so let’s spread awareness and make sure nobody books a goddamn thing through AirBNB ever again, shall we?” above crowd of people with raised hands. Btw, VRBO has doubled down on DEI. Just sayin.

This is one of the little skills that builds big collective power. When we can do this with clarity and integrity in our own lives, we are so much more able to solve big problems together. And hold big boundaries.

Where do you need to hold a boundary?