2 Ingredients in a Good Boundary… And 2 Mistakes to Avoid
Let’s just get the 2 mistakes out of the way. (And give you the link to today’s Insta live on this topic. Next one on Thursday March 13, 11:30am PST)
The first mistake is attempting to have a boundary in a “nice” way, which does not actually state the boundary.
Examples help: Say you have someone in a meeting who is repeatedly interrupting, even though you have a one-person-talks-at-a-time agreement.
Here are some responses I’ve seen. (You probably have too.)
Hey, it’s tough to hear when more than one person is talking.
Kris, what were you saying?
Anyone besides Pat have ideas?
Those are not boundaries. They are Persuasion, Redirection and Snark.
The second mistake is waiting too long, so that by the time you are ready to say something, you are so mad that you don’t trust yourself and you don’t do it.
If you are at the point where a decision has been made (we don’t interrupt in our meetings or my Prime account is not your video superstore) and is being ignored, that’s boundary time.
Be direct. Do it as soon as you can. And if it’s overdue, turn that hourglass over. It’s not too late!
Be direct. Do it as soon as you can. And if it’s overdue, turn that hourglass over. It’s not too late!
A boundary doesn’t make a person bad; it makes a behavior unacceptable.
To do that, you need to be specific in two ways:
1. A good boundary names the behavior that you want to stop. Focus on a specific observable behavior that you want to change. “Making me feel like you don’t value my input” is an indicator for you, (and valid!) but it’s not a measurable, specific behavior. Interrupting is. Being specific allows you to be factual instead of blaming. (Blaming makes a boundary both harder to hear and easier to dismiss.)
2. A great boundary describes what you want instead. When you’ve named what you want to stop, follow it with what you want instead. It’s good to give people every shot at succeeding.
For example, it was such a good thing when I got divorced. But every time I shared the news, I would hear “Oohh. I’m so sorry,” with a sad face.
Um, NO.
I could have stayed with being pissed at the patriarchy or the hypocrisy of miserable married people saying that to me,(eyeball) but I did not. Because it was self-pitying and also wasn’t going to get me what I wanted.
Instead, I started saying “I’m going to tell you something. And when I do, you are going to say ‘Congratulations!’ Ready?”
“Ready,” they would say.
“I’m getting a divorce.
They would freeze for a second. And then give me a huge smile and say, “Congratulations!”
Image of a Black woman in a teal velvet suit throwing confetti in the air.
Does the thought of having a specific boundary make you smile? Cringe? Want to do it? It’s a huge taboo to say what you want as if you deserve it but I’m telling you, it feels pretty damn good.
Here are some examples of boundaries that are specific and describe what you want instead:
That’s the second time you interrupted Kris in today’s meeting. We have an agreement that one person speaks at a time. I need you to listen while she speaks and speak after she’s done.
I noticed that you rented The Brutalist on my Prime account. I need you to pay me back the $20 and not use my account again.
This morning and last week, you reached out and touched me on the shoulder while we were talking. I need you to stop touching me, even casually or with friendly intention.
We are told that boundaries are selfish, that we don’t have a right to be clear and specific. This is a lie. Sometimes, it is not safe to have a boundary and it’s okay to choose what’s safe! But that is information that you are in a situation that isn’t okay. And knowing that truth is better than pretending you don’t have a right to have boundaries.
I don’t know how we get to a just and life-sustaining society from here. But I know that life moves toward life and magic is alive and real in the world. I know that good culture is like healthy soil that allows our genius to grown and thrive.
Image of sunflowers thriving in a lush garden
I know that now, when it feels like so much isn’t possible, one thing we can do is grow the relationships and skills and connections we need to build a new world. Being able to name and respect boundaries is actually the skill of being able to keep our agreements and/or make new ones. This skill absolutely necessary for everyone to show up fully. And we need your genius, your magic. Now more than ever. Imagine if having and holding and hearing great boundaries was a skill we all had. What could we do then? What couldn’t we do??
Is there a boundary that you need to set?