The Lie Behind Burnout

My client: “Ella, I need to talk about the B-word today.” 

Me: The B Word…Boss? Britney? 

“Burnout” she said and looked at me sideways, like it was hard to get the words out.

“I’m having a hard time even caring at all.” 

This from a woman who I’ve seen find hope in the face of some really fucked-up systems for years.

I was glad to hear her name it out loud. In our movement, where caring is such a source of pride, to begin to not care feels like a shameful secret. By naming it, she gave herself a chance to begin to work with it.

That was about six months ago. Since then I’ve heard this from every progressive leader I serve. And the one thing that is true for all of them is this: When these leaders hear from their inner voice that something has to change, they also hear some version of “Ignore that. Something is wrong with you.”  

When I am lucky enough to be trusted with this information, I say to them what I am saying to you now: 

The idea that you are the problem is a lie.

It is part of the system of lies created by history and trauma and oppression that is woven through our world and yes, our movement. I think of that system of lies as the Story of “Normal,” as in“feeling this way isn’t normal,” or “Look: the other (normal) people I see at Zoom meetings are fine.” 

(I like what writer Anne LaMott says about this: “Never compare your insides with other people’s outsides.”) 

The Story of “Normal” was build by and for oppression. It tells you not to feel what’s really happening. It’s gaslighting and fight/flight/freeze woven together. Because white supremacy and patriarchy and colonialism and capitalism and homophobia and all the intertwined oppressive systems that we are fighting depend on us being separated from our bodies, our feelings and each other. 

This is why one of the signature moves of the Story of “Normal” is offer you SO MUCH NUMBING. 

And there is a direct relationship between how much numbing you need to keep going and the burnout you are feeling as a leader. I know this because as I hear so many leaders tell me they are experiencing burnout, I ask, “How often do you feel numb?” 

At first, they often can’t tell. But the question opens the door. A week later I hear “I’ve been thinking about numbing…I feel numb a lot,” or “most of the time,” or “almost always.”

I’ve been there. For the first half of my career, drinking was my numb-er of choice: I went out and got smashed on the night that my boss called me an “ignorant slut” in the middle of a presentation to our board – partly because that was a popular Saturday Night Live bit at the time but really because I was saying shit that challenged the status quo. 

I grabbed a third gin and tonic at the election night party when chair of the Washington State Democratic Party grabbed my ass and then got all offended when I told him to take his fucking hands off of me.

I reached for my numb-ers when I was told – over and over – that I needed to tone down how smart I was or how loud I was or how powerful I was, at the very time that I was trying to acquire power and change the world. 

I put my feet on the road to burnout by trying to numb myself into that tiny little box of what a powerful woman can (can’t) be. Playing big and drinking became playing big and over-working became playing smaller and overworking became burnout. 

And I know, that when I was avoiding dealing with my pain, I was absolutely doing damage to people with less privilege than I. Another reason that the Story of “Normal” serves up numbing so readily. (Shout out to Fleur Larsen here for her workshop for white women, which helped me take all of this in more deeply.)  

Does any of this numbing sound familiar?

If so, please hear this: this is not your fault and also its awful!  We got into this work because we felt a spark and a glow and we were inspired to change things. Do you remember that? But something happens when we learn the rules well enough to succeed in this business of progressive leadership. The day comes when you look around and realize that the numbing required to get here has cut you off from so much of what gives you hope and pleasure. The day comes when you wonder why the work that used to light you up is now burning you out.

“There is no such thing as selective numbing.” ~Brené Brown

Now would be a good time for a dose of compassion. Numbing is adaptive. It is sometimes necessary – we numb because the bullshit and trauma we are experiencing is painful. But it is also costly. And it is foundational to burnout. 

When you are numb, you it’s hard to tell when your boundaries are being crossed, or when you are crossing others’. When you are numb, you can’t feel the tickle of inspiration. Numbness disconnects you from your unique gifts and keeps your ideas and your energy small- just the way the Story of “Normal”wants you to be.

“If you are always trying to be normal, you’ll never know how amazing you can be.”

~Maya Angelou.

The first step in moving out of burnout is noticing the numbing. With compassion! Right now, just take one moment, this moment, this breath. What is one thing that you do that numbs? That leaves you deader, not better? Are you willing to just notice it? (Without judging yourself? The Story of “Normal” doesn’t get that assist from you!)

Let’s try it now. I want to invite you to put your hand on your heart (a physical action that is proven to decrease stress hormones) and say to yourself “I deserve to be free of pain.” Take another breath. Say it again. A third time.

Breathe. 

This is an invitation to yourself. This is opening the door to taking back your leadership from the Story of “Normal” and the pain it causes. 

Noticing numbing is a wildly subversive act, especially if you can do it with compassion for yourself. It is one small but important step on the path to banishing burnout, a path I have walked more than once and a path I am offering to help you walk. If you are fighting burnout and you would like to do so with support and a group of other amazing leaders who want uproot the Story of “Normal” and write a better, brighter, more alive Story of Now, please check out my new offering Banish Burnout, a 5 week coaching program. I will offer the tools that I have seen work for hundreds of leaders and students in my coaching and classes, along with a framework for relighting your inner flame with the empowering tools of story. Banish Burnout starts September 21, class size is limited. Registration is open now.